Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Randomize
