My sheets look like a crime scene.
I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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