Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
