i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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