..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
