smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Actually, all he talks about is how great the sex is with her and how crappy you were at it. Stop being a bitch and gossiping masking it as self-righteousness.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
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