He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
