brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
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