Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
Randomize
