I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
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