you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize