Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize