weddingsv make me drug and hornr
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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