I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
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