At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
