Only a mothe r could love this liver
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
