Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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