sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
how the FUCK am I supposed to macarena while doubble fisting?
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
Randomize
