Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I haven't been this sober since birth.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Randomize
