yep. he's not circumcised. how did it take me six months to realize THAT?
i love accidental penises.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Randomize
