I just saw a hot homeless man
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
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