I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
