I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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