I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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