Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
