Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
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