i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
