so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Randomize
