I want to snug with you.
You want my snuggie?
Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
Randomize
