well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
