I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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