Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
Randomize
