when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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