Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Crop dusting thru forever 21
Randomize
