I don't usually arrange sex via text message
And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"
What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.
He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
