My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
