it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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