if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
pop tarts are not kleenex
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
