I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
and I didnt even know his name until this morning when we were laying in bed and he referred to himself in the 3rd person.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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