meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
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