I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
