he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
Apparently, "please don't I have to be in court tomorrow" is not a valid excuse for a girl to abstain from giving a massive hickey.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
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