Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
