Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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