i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
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