wakey wakey hands off snakey
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
Do ugly people know they are ugly?
The quiet ones do.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
