I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
So worth it. Come over for bacon egg cheese vusquit later. 12. I slept with Jimmy? On my period? And told him he had mother issues? No tequila. Tequila bad.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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