This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
