i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
Randomize
