god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
