I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
someone found a bottle of whiskey in the bushes this morning when they were cleaning before an admissions event. i'm 95% sure it's mine..
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