I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
