Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Randomize
