On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
