How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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