I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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