Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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