It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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